Essay: Letter To Satan

By John Yohe

 Your Grace—

Hail! Everything up here going according to your Plan—Nazis now openly praised again—indeed you could argue—as I/m sure you do—that they never lost power just got invited over to America in some cases and in others going on to be the first leaders of NATO—your pet project—so that in Ukraine the MSM cant take a picture w/o nazi emblems showing up on soldiers in the background—oops! Having a Jew installed as the puppethead was genius—if people object we can call them antisemites—those politicians who were former actors have always served you well—not to say that all ukrainians are nazis—you cant really tell until you ask each one individually about Bandera but as the saying goes: kill'em all let God sort'em out. Nice of Him to do all the work! I figure he/ll get at least half of them before we/re all through. Dont forget the greatest modern nazi: Klaus Schwab carrying on your work in your absence. He can do no wrong really. That is, everything he does is ‘wrong’ but you know what I mean—even when he announces his plan to reduce world population everyone smiles and nods and wonders why excess mortality numbers are up. When he says you will own nothing and be happy everyone seems happy and—surprise—no one can afford to own much these days. As youve always said, people just want to feel safe not know the truth. And your righthand man (tell me the truth—is he really a lizzid peeple? like Zuckerberg?) Bill Gates has been everywhere spreading your Word—amazing what money can do—which is why the US gov’t keeps printing it—or should I say just making it up in the electronic netherregions of the Fed? I cant wait to have a beer w/you guys and laugh at everyone eating bugs! 

Your Work continues here in America in its many and varied ways—in East Palestine Ohio a train derailed due to failing infrastructure (youre always thinking ahead!) and spilled toxic chemicals in a residential area and instead of cleaning up in a safe and secure manner the railroad officials took your advice and set fire to the whole mess! You should have seen the toxic mushroom cloud! Reminded me a little of Hell—I got a little tearyeyed—and not just from the chemicals! Most of the mess may have washed out to the Gulf of Mexico by now but that place is dead already so no one will notice. I still cant believe nothings been done about Flint—none of your servants ever go to jail—how do you do it? East Palestine not to be mistaken for Palestine over which Israel has bulldozed—the jews doing your work and they dont even believe in you! Those are some management skills! Le coup de grace is persuading them to do to the palestinians what the nazis did to the jews—I cant wait for the concentration camps! We were so close to getting them going during the recent lockdowns—even old lefties like Chomsky and Zizek wanted the dirty unvaccinated to die—again kudos to your advertising guru Bill Gates—that lizzid peeple is unstoppable! Where did he find any free time to hang out w/Jeffery Epstein on Lolita Island and rape girls? Its all about time management! There is so much I admire ab out your minions— really working hard for you. Like on Maui—up to a thousand people dead many of them children and nobody bats a glowing eye. Of course we wont get those souls but I have to imagine God admires your work: he gets the innocent dead while your legions will get the beachfront property. Thats win-win!

I’m sure you'll agree that there is still plenty of Your Work to be done up here—people still trying to get the ‘truth’ out—tho as our man Pontius Pilates said, —What is truth? The schmuck Jesus didnt get it—truth is whatever the people in power say it is—thats the brilliance of it—Anthony Fauci says that masks dont work then that they do work—no studies needed! More efficient that way! So everyone up here—the whole crew—is doing your bidding trying to keep those pesky truthseekers (ha! I almost said journalists!) from spoiling all the fun—we have our guys (and gals!) in the MSM and CIA (I know theyre the same thing) working overtime (and getting paid well!) to keep the Narrative going. Good call on your part to stop the CIA from assassinating Julian Assange—much more useful to have him publicly tortured so as to teach others a lesson. If only they could find another Manson! Think of the possibilities! So many questions! So much to learn from you! Like how did Building 7 fall on 9/11? I mean it happened on live television and nobody cared or even remembers! Thats brilliant! And tell the truth—who’s your favorite—George W. or Cheney? Both savants in their own way—one million dead people cant be wrong! Gonna be crowded down there around the ole lava pool. I’d like to be present when Kissinger goes over finally and shakes hands w/Truman unless—is Kissinger a lizzid peeple too? That would explain a lot! Tho I/m jealous—I feel like we humans are more than capable of cultivating your Work—especially americans—but really all humans—how can us mere mortals move up the food chain so as to serve you better? Send us a sign! I mean, another one! There are so many!

I wanted to reassure you that here in America (or as your friend George W. used to say—Merica) that—despite all the recent frenzied activity on your part by Democrats—that the Republicans remain your faithful servants as well—not only do they agree w/Democrats on decimating Ukraine w/real live nazis but they have high ambitions of going to war with China as well. Why? Well no one really knows except it would be another opportunity to launder money thru a weaker country (Taiwan) and cut off supply chains to American completely which I guess profits someone? Somewhere? The military industrial complex of course that goes without saying—why have one war when you can have two? But speaking of Republicans  and Ukraine you have some bold leaders under your command—there are even some who've brought back that classic idea of a winnable limited nuclear way. (Should we tell them before its too late? Or nah?) But that takes a  real backbone and Republicans have nothing if they dont have backbones—takes a strong man to get on television after another school shooting and say that thats the price of freedom! Your company Blackrock is already moving into Ukraine and taking control of the land—Maui too—everywhere everyone will one nothing! And they will be happy! Or else! Got people so scared of communism (esp. Republicans—they need trigger warnings) that theyre openly embracing fascism—because as we all know its better to be safe than free! Give Cerberus a scratch on one of his heads for me!

I think people appreciate how well men do your Work but that gets underappreciated is how well women do it too—I/m not talking the Sarah Palins or Kamala Harrises of the world—they only prove that female idiots can rise up the food chain too somehow. No I mean your Margaret Thatchers your Hillary Clintons your Ursula van der Leyens and your  Victoria Nulands. I mean gutting social services in English which caused more crime which gave you more business—or saying 500,000 dead children in Iraq was worth it—or bombing Libya back to the stone age sot that now there are open air slave markets—it doesnt get  more Hell-y than that! And just when the money laundromats of Iraq and Afghanistan seemed to be drying up along comes Ukraine! I grew up with a mother who taught me that if women were in charge things would be different—nope! If anything you better watch your ass down there or you might be out of a job! Especially Clinton—lots of people just seem to die around her. Though you dont have to worry if your name is on the Epstein client list—Ghislaine Maxwell’s Mossad handlers have insured thats never getting out. I’m only amazed she hasnt ‘committed suicide’ yet. Are you working your magic behind the scenes? But anyone will do anything for a little dinero—even make up false rape accusation against anyone exposing the truth (when those charges of anti-semitism just wont stick) which is brilliant because then the real rape accusations get lost in the mis! Win-win! Gonna be some wild parties down there! Dont forget Nancy Pelosi the insider trading queen. Or AOC—fake crying about children in cages has got to at least get you in Hell’s Gates. But sure let her be president first—lets see how stupid people will let themselves get.

Its the little satanic acts which really add a fine polish to your Work. For example the lead in the pipes of Flint and the subsequent doing of nothing about it (though Obama coming there and obviously pretending to drink the water was a nice touch). Or the poison cloud released in East Palestine into the air and water without any regard for safety regulations—though I suppose you could argue that poisoning the Ohio and Mississippi Rivers is not small thing. And all the fires set by your arsonists in Canada and Europe and here in Merica so that your minions in government and NGOs could say—with a straight face!—that the fires were caused by climate change. The fire on Lahaina Maui was really well placed—with almost laser-like precision, ammirite? To get rid of those pesky native and make way for more luxury hotels—we always need more luxury hotels for all the people doing Your Work! The little things combined with the big things like sending hundreds of billions of dollars in ‘aid’ to puppet government in countries like Iraq Afghanistan and Ukraine (look out Taiwan here we come!). That aid then laundered back to the very politicians who started the war—all those billions of which could have gone to help the victims of the smaller acts of Your Work—could go to do all kinds of good acts like repair infrastructure (we almost had those kids in that school bus on that collapsing bridge in St. Paul!) All this out in the open so that people see and know that theyre being ignored which creates a healthy sense of despair worldwide so that one could say (and I’m sure you do) that we have a Hell on Earth. You dont even have to bargain with God about who goes where: who needs Hell when you have Earth? All we need now is some good ‘natural’ disasters for better aesthetics. Lava pools for everyone!

And I never would have thought that the entire Canadian Parliament would give two standing ovations to a real nazi who fought in WWII—with the jewish president of Ukraine right there whose grandfather fought in WWII too—on the side of the russians! How do you do it? Who would have thought Your Work would thrive in Canada of all places? Are the people in that Parliament your people? That is, are they evil on purpose? Or just stupid? Who could not figure out that someone who fought the russians in WWII was a nazi??? These the same people who called the striking canadian truckers fascists for protesting jab mandates. And black professional football players taking a knee against racism during the Star Spangled Banner while wearing ukrainian flags on their helmets. And offshore windmills cheered on by liberal environmentalist have been killing whales all along. I know theres no whale Heaven or Hell because they dont have souls and all that but its a nice touch killing innocent creatures. I mean theyre all God’s creatures so who cares but I cant wait to see Green New Deal advocates when they end up in Hell—the surprise on their faces  as they hear you or Asmodeus or Baal  (whoever is on shift) intone in a basso profundo voice FOR THE CRIME OF KILLING WHALES YOU ARE HEARBY BANISHED TO THE SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL!!!! Kettle drums in the background would work nicely there imho. Or heck maybe God would do the intoning—theyre his whales! Might make him go full Old Testament on their asses. I mean Hell, have you talked to him lately? Any chance of another flood? Another Younger Dryas Impact would be spectacular!

And you just keep giving us banger after literal banger w/Israel gearing up for the Final Solution for Gaza—all that beachfront property too tempting I guess—those hospitals gotta go!! Good thign we have Merika vetoing any ceasefire resolutions sponsored by Russia. Netanyahu doesnt even seem to care about Israel itself—I assume he/s one of yours? Has a reserved chair by the lava pool? Question: when Biden goes to Hell will he still be senile? Or will he go back to—say—the mental state he was in when he wrote the crime bill which put one in four black men in prison? I mean I understand he/s not making any decisions at this point but still did plenty when younger to earn himself a place. I personally love that his wife is a community college composition teacher—my experience is that those fuckers will marry evil in a second. But you really had me fooled w/RFK Jr.—I thought he was one of the good guys calling out yr minions Bill Gates and Fauci on the turbocancer jabs but he (and his presumptive running mate Tulsi Gabbard) is full speed ahead on the Palestine Genocide—I guess thats what happens when Mossad has you on the Epstein List. And instead of having to choose which country we send our billions to—Ukraine or Israel—we just do both! Crunch all ya want we/ll make more! Too bad everyones already forgot the biolab virus—I was hoping you/d get everyone to wear masks again—I would have laughed to hard. Merch idea: t-shirt that says Keep Calm + Hail Satan! Or Worship Satan! Or....Emulate Satan? Sacrifice To? Hang Out At The Lava Pool With?

John Yohe was born in Puerto Ricoh and worked as a wildland firefighter, wilderness ranger and fire lookout. He is a Best of the Net nominee and has also been featured on the Notable Essay List for Best American Essays 2021.