Fiction: thank you internet for making beautiful women think they’re interesting 💁♀️
By Jesse Larkins
I’m on set with Harrison Ford.
Somehow we got ahold of his agent and they convinced him it was a good idea.
It’s a 10 things you can’t live without video.
I’m there to ask him the questions.
You won’t see me because I’m not famous. You won’t even hear my voice.
Just Harrison answering questions.
His agents told us that the questions were approved by him and his marketing team.
They were engaging and flattering.
But maybe one slipped through that wasn’t.
Go fuck yourself he tells me.
I don’t even believe it’s happening.
What the fuck is this he asks.
I look to his agents who are also confused. They shrug.
Okay moving on
I look at the question I just asked him.
It was so innocuous.
He looks like he wants to kill me.
Before I can respond he goes
Can we get another guy in here and someone grabs me by my shoulders and starts to lead me away from the set.
I’m so confused my body just does as it’s told.
I’m in a hallway now.
So that wasn’t good
What the fuck happened
I really don’t know. But we need to put a fucking lid on it
Bella Hadid Got Caught Smoking In The Bathroom, And 10 Other Absolutely Unforgettable Met Gala Scandals
My Mind Is Completely Blown After Seeing And Reading These 35 Extremely Random Facts
21 Of The Most “Um, OK, But Nobody Asked” Screenshots You’ll Ever See
This is what people want.
I know this with extreme certainty
I know how to leverage your curiosity.
Ensure that people click on our site.
We’ve built a base of loyal visitors
I have been instrumental to that.
It’s because of our headlines.
We peddle clickbait.
We exploit your curiosity
Your need to empathize
Your inability to rationalize with corporate predation
Your need to be accepted
Our competition is Facebook.
This Gay Netflix Teen Drama Is Just What We Need
Lea Michelle Showed Jonathan Groff Her “Whole Vagina” Because He’d Never Seen One Before, And This Story Just Keeps Getting Wilder
An Older Asian Woman Was Punched More Than 125 Times And Stomped On In A Violent Racist Attack
And on it goes
And on some more.
I write two or more a day.
My colleagues do the same.
19 YA Books on Fat Acceptance That Are 100% Worth Reading
Grimes Just Gave Her And Elon Musk's Baby A Haircut, And The Result Is Very…Interesting
17 Messed-Up Things Characters Actually Did In Movies Marketed To Children
An Ex-Cop Has Been Charged With Murder For Fatally Shooting A 12-Year-Old Boy In The Back
Millie hates me now.
I feel it whenever I walk in the room.
She’s on her phone but I see all her muscles tense up.
She’s anticipating me saying something to her and interrupting her phone time.
She looks at with me without looking.
What are your plans tonight
Watch tv? Read?
Wanna go out
Not really no. Where?
When we first started dating we went out all the time. Almost every night.
Now she doesn’t give a fuck.
It’s all old hat.
Years of animosity.
When I first met her my life was shit.
She was the best thing in it.
Now it’s not.
And now she’s not.
It was my first job.
I was assigned the tattoo expo.
How fucking lame.
But I was getting paid.
Men getting their nipples pierced and passing out. Turning purple and blue.
Get a fucking paramedic!
He comes to.
You’re a fucking pussy dude that’s what happened.
A girl gets her clit pierced.
She’s on her period and it’s not okay.
The girl doing the piercing almost vomits.
She finishes her work like a pro.
It doesn’t look pretty.
She seems happy with it though.
I see Millie working on some guy.
Check out the librarian
I’d still hit it
I would too
I also want to kill these fucks
She sees me but doesn’t get distracted.
I wonder if I’m distracting.
I must be in some ways.
The guy on her table is a vet
The Ed Hardy shirt can’t contain his muscles.
He goes limp on her.
They wait a minute then go for a phone.
He sits straight up.
He’s at war again.
He grabs her.
I panic but several men three times my size step in and subdue him.
They start whispering to him
Hushing him like a scared child.
It was kind of life changing
I sit outside smoking
I smoked cigarettes then.
Yeah that girls so ugly and she won’t even have sex with me I’m just gonna take her out and get her drunk
Kids on bikes
I see her talking to a group of guys.
I catch her attention.
She tries to be apart of their conversation but is only half there.
They dissipate but she stays back.
I walk over to her.
“Well how about coffee?”
“I don’t drink coffee”
“Neither do I. That’s just what people say.”
She thinks I’m cute and charming.
She’s confusing charming with sarcastic and blunt.
We order food.
We talk for hours.
She’s been stretching holes in guys’ dicks for three years.
Went to school for it.
She’s an angel.
And the sun hits her in this way.
She gets up and it’s the first time I get a chance to check her out.
Her ass is so rad man.
Her jeans are hugging it tight. You can see the perfect curve of it.
I want her to beg me for my cum.
We end up back at her place.
She pours herself another drink
You haven’t even touched yours she pouts.
Well excuse me.
She laughs. She wants to fuck me.
Okay I’ll drink some more will that make you feel better
And now I’m feeling it.
I kiss her and her tongue tastes like blue raspberry vodka.
The sex was great.
It was just so easy.
She asked me to wear a condom.
I cum inside her.
We sleep for a few hours.
I wake up at 3 or 4 and start eating her pussy.
Then her ass.
I don’t wear a condom this time and she’s fine with that.
The city is awake.
It always is.
I wake up.
She’s still sleeping.
I gently remove her arm from me and I slip out of her bed.
I get dressed.
She wakes up and reaches for me.
I plop down next to her and shower her in kisses.
I think I love her.
I tell her I have to work.
She asks me what I do again.
Well someone doesn’t like to listen.
We kiss some more.
I take an Uber back to the apartment.
Crawl into bed with Kate.
I missed you so much.
I missed you too.
Let me make you breakfast.
No honey just get some rest.
She gets up anyway and starts making me a big breakfast.
That’s just the kind of girl she is.
The piece was well received.
It took me a day to write it.
My supervisor skimmed it and said looks good.
I had a sensational title for it
30 Extreme Photos From The NY Empire State Tattoo Expo
My name is actually on this one.
It gets good traffic.
Can’t stop thinking about Millie
I send her the article
She loves it
I can’t tell if she’s just saying that
I think you’re talented.
She sends me a 😉😘
I want to see you again.
We meet up at a thrift store.
We don’t even look at clothes
We just talk.
I turn off my notifications so Kate can’t see Millie texting me constantly.
It’s 3:25 and she calls
Kate goes through my phone.
I break up with her.
It was a bad night.
I started getting good assignments.
Making good money.
I would do whatever I was asked.
I would write as a man and a woman.
A trans person
I made things seem appetizing
10 SECRETS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT SEX WITH A MICROPENIS
Lots of “thank you” emails for that one.
I grow followings for every persona.
Each one has an ego that I feed.
They all need different things.
Have different tastes.
I don’t see Millie for a month
I go to her place and surprise her
Some guy answers
Tells me to fuck off
Yeah? We got business motherfucker?
Who even are you?
Millie comes out.
What the fuck are you doing here
I want you back
I say it in front of her new fag
She doesn’t say anything.
The guy almost hits me but she says
Give me a minute.
Millie moved in
She saw me get better and better
She didn’t have all that much
Two drawers fit her clothes
Three big tubs had her belongings
Quilts from dead grandmothers
Her piercing equipment
I took her out all the time
I wanted to be seen with her
We ate modestly
Sometimes we would pay for it
And sometimes we wouldn’t
We would drink and fuck and drink more
The fucking was good
Never as good as that first time.
Overt clickbait-style titles start to get suppressed
Fuck you Mark fucking Zuckerberg you kike faggot
They can still gain some traction
They just don't perform as well now
We become more subtle
34 Pictures of LGBTQ People As Kids That Scream "Mom, How Did You Not Know?"
33 Cathartic Movie Moments That Kinda Feel Like a Mini Therapy Session
39 Valentine's Day Gifts For When You're Totally In Love, But Broke
It takes me the afternoon to finish it.
We go out to celebrate
Millie asks me a question but I don’t hear it I’m re-reading the article.
I scroll to the comments section.
The top voted comment:
Aw poor white straight men of the West. Get pussy whipped by women or get cancelled
Are you even listening to me right now?
I’m sorry honey what was that?
Please don’t do that I’m just seeing how the article is doing.
I’m trying to talk to you.
Okay I’m right fucking here talk to me! I asked you to repeat yourself and you’re giving me shit.
I’m giving you shit because I shouldn’t have to repeat myself.
Our friends are watching.
The music is loud though.
Millie and I get into fights
You provide structure. Without you I’m just aimless
Is that all I do
Why aren’t you attracted to me
You know it’s not that. It’s my meds.
I’m honestly getting pretty fucking tired of hearing that
What is this we were doing good you were coming down
I know I know I’m sorry I’m sorry
I said I was sorry!
Let’s just relax honey. Please. Just put on one of your shows.
I hold her for a long time.
I put on one of my shows.
If people knew I liked it they would think I’m repugnant.
It relaxes me though.
I really didn’t mean to piss off Harrison Ford.
I know you didn’t.
Does this mean I can’t do anymore videos?
I don’t know what it means yet.
You can still make quizzes
That’s comforting. I say it sarcastically.
It’s true though.
Oh you want me to blah blah blah?
Of course honey.
Whatever you say.
But without saying “whatever you say” because you know the type of argument that will lead to.
Women are so predictable sometimes.
I’m not saying I’m not.
She gets what she wants.
I get what I want.
A fair trade.
That’s called the barder system.
But I’m not getting what I want.
I really need pussy.
It’s cold and it’s late.
I follow a girl to a fountain
She’s drunk as shit
Can barely string a sentence
She has braces like a middle schooler
I’ll pay you $200 to suck my dick right now
I fuck her face long enough for her to offer her pussy
She gives me the ahegao
I cum inside her and pull my pants up and leave.
I’m pretty sure I left the money.
I take acid.
Roberto does it with me
I like hanging out with him
Makes me seem more inclusive
He writes trash too
JoJo Siwa's Coming-Out Showed How Gen Z Is Doing It Differently
Fuck man this is some good shit.
Are you already feeling it too??
That did not take long at all.
The chaos of synesthesia
I see everyone’s aura
I swipe right on a girl and we match.
We make very quick small talk
What are you doing right now?
And I’m meeting her outside in less than 10.
I’m spreading her ass cheeks with my face
I lick everywhere
I’m in heaven.
I get up and shove my dick inside her.
Push her back against the toilet paper dispenser.
I go to another club.
It’s a premier for something and a lot of big names are floating around.
A lot of me’s are floating around.
We’re bottom feeders to them.
You can see it on their faces.
All I keep thinking is I’m an impostor.
Their faces are a reminder of this.
But then I slam a drink and say fuck these guys I make them who they are.
They’re just pretty boys
They need other people more athletic to make them look better.
You gobble it up.
Roberto is wading around in a fountain.
I leave him there.
I see Johnny Depp.
Did she really shit on your bed?
He just looks at me
You have a smell, he says.
Oh yeah? Is it the pussy you’re not getting?
He hits me.
I’m forced to leave.
Whoa bro you look like shit.
Seriously though. Do you need a hospital?
I need a lot of things.
My mind lists them.
Starts ranking by primal importance.
My life feels obtuse
An article is breaking
Johnny Depp Assaults The Cis White Straight Man Behind All Of Your Favorite Quizzes. We Say Justice For Johnny. Do You?
Haters and supporters on both sides.
Now everyone knows who I am.
I come home
She’s watching a TED Talk called 6 ways mushrooms can save the world
What is that? She asks pointing to my black eye.
I can’t do this anymore
You’re telling me?
See? It’s shit like that!
You don’t fuck me anymore.
She cries harder.
Are you even attracted to me? I scream at her.
And then I’m crying.
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to yell.
I never mean to yell but I do
I’m an animal.
If I have any respect for myself, she says through broken heavy breaths, then I need to leave.
Please don’t leave me.
But she does.
The door closes behind her.
The apartment feels empty.
I pull up tinder and start swiping.
She’ll come back for her stuff.
Jesse Larkins is a writer and filmmaker from Detroit, MI. He loves dogs.